All my life I am trying to go from A to B, and B keeps changing, drifting further away, becoming A suggesting another B further down the road. Kavafis said that we should wish the distance from A to B to be as long as possible, because it is not the destination that counts but the traveling process.
I once read an interview by Vangelis saying that he is happy where ‘he is’ and his definition of happiness was just that: not feeling the need to go to any other point, having reached point B definitively. I respect that and wish one could reach the Zen state where you do not need to try, ask, desire anything more. This must be a state of constant joy, peace, fulfillment.
I am probably ruined for life by Nikos Kazantzakis, one of my few real teachers in life (Giacomo Puccini, Sergei Rachmaninoff and Nikolai Rimsky Korsakov are my three real music teachers – Puccini for his mastery in Melodic lines, Rachmaninoff for his harmonic structures around his melody and Korsakov for his orchestration, all of them with immensely intense emotional writing abilities) who have never met, that argued that one must always struggle to fix everything that needs fixing on this earth – because it is his duty! He puts the everyday man in the position of the ‘universal creator’, with equal responsibilities to correct whatever is wrong, even if he never had anything to do with it personally. It is a sense of duty that derives from our DNA, from being part of the universal ecosystem.
This never allows you to ‘reach point B’. You do not deserve to think of a fixed destination!
Somehow, I feel a fixation not to have a ‘defined’ point B. I enjoy trying to push it further, like a ball in the sea, that you push further as you approach it.
My only source of misery is getting really close to my ball, being afraid that I will not be able to move it further. Although I know that it is entirely up to me, to give it an extra push, I know that in order to do that, I need to believe in it, to have a real motive!
So, in this sense, this has become my definition of happiness: having a reason to push the ball further. Boy, when this happens, it’s overwhelming…